I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
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There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?