Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
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bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
jesus, what did this guy do
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects