AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
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Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”