I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
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A completely valid reaction tbh
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
I know a bad idea when I see one.
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”