“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
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Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story