It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
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Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
excuse me
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]