When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
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You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
why does this building look like a guilty dog
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!