Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
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Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.