Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
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Worth remembering.
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING