McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
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People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
The French word for sex is croissant.
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.