wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
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I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?