I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
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Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”