Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
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Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids