My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
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Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.