I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
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Why is everyone getting married at me
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
sigh
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired