I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
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Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
Travel bloggers during quarantine
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time