former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
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“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.