My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
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“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
This kinda thing happens to me often
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
Happy Halloween 🎃
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
Erm…
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
Terribly Tuesday.
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.