Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
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“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.