Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
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What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
Follow me for more fitness tips.
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!