🥶🥶🐶🐶
You Might Also Like
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.