JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
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My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.