They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
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learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
Best spoiler warning ever
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.