You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
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[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries