The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
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There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
🤣🤣🤣
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.