To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
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Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
I think I’m having a stroke
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?