Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
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Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
Cause of death: Zumba
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!