Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
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5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
At Walmart during the holidays like..
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.