You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
You Might Also Like
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
My biological clock is wheezing.
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
Watson was Holmes schooled
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.