“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
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DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing