*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
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accurate
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.