I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
You Might Also Like
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops