Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
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don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me