“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
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Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
they split up moments later
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
Do not steal food from the science building!
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
at ease…shoulder.
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.