Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
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Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
Me (seductively looking at a potato): would mash.
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me