Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
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Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
Black Friday “markdowns” like
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
I mean…but I did
what day is it?
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark