🙄😏😂🤣
You Might Also Like
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
Drivers in my town ignore crosswalks. If they had shot the Abbey Road album cover in my town, there would’ve been one or two fewer Beatles.
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
When you’re Kinky but poor
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.