Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
You Might Also Like
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
💁🏻♂️
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager