Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
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Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
I had to Stop for this
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.