KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
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If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.