My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
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I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
philosophical skeletons be like
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
I love wikipedia
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.