I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
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Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
Helpful tip: Don’t write out your grocery list while watching a true crime documentary on a husband-murdering wife, or your husband might think you’re taking notes when he walks into the room.
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
road rage
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.