I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
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Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
I’m Sold!
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for