moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
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Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
In your 20’s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40’s you hope you don’t fall in the yard when nobody’s home.
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.