No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
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Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
WHY?!
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger