i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
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*sewing*
A thread
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
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cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
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Getting married soon just need a spouse
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
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Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds