my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
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Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
Does it…does it take 3 days
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
I am crying
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
Two types of dogs.
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.