Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
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If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
how to have fun when you’re poor
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
this makes me so uncomfortable
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
Look at this
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
Body by cheese-puffs.