Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
You Might Also Like
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?