Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
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I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”